A SOLDIER'S PERSPECTIVE
THE WEB'S LEADING MILITARY BLOG SINCE 2004
It’s no secret that life has been an utter disaster for me for the past few years. It’s been an uphill road for as long as I can remember. Somehow, I’ve always pulled myself through with the help of friends, writing, family, medication, or counseling. The past year has got to have been the worst of them all.
I just want to take a quick moment and thank the members of Soldiers’ Angels who took time out of their lives to send words of support and encouragement to one of my troops. He hasn’t been back yet to read them, but they are in a large folder waiting for him to come back to work. I probably have about 100 cards on my desk for him. I also want to thank some of those same Angels that sent cards to me after the passing of my grandparents exactly one week apart. It hit me like a ton of bricks due to other issues I was dealing with at the time that were compounded by the grief of losing a very influential person in my life (and others).
So, I appreciate those and thank you from the bottom of my heart. There are a lot of people out there dealing with tragedy these days and there’s nothing special about my grief, but you sent thoughts and prayers anyway.
It was one year ago this month that I decided to publicly announce that something wasn’t right with me. I began seeking counseling and support for what became a diagnosis of PTSD and depression. It was a tough decision because I had no idea what was going to happen to me. After one year, I’m not so sure I made the right decision. Seeking help was hands down THE RIGHT DECISION, don’t get me wrong. I have had the best experience by talking to a chaplain or to a mental health doctor. However, making my struggles public to encourage others is something that I honestly regret. Now, it may have just been bad timing on my part as I was pretty actively voicing my opinions about elected political officials AND trying to get my head right. Perhaps one was therapy for the other, I don’t know. Some of my troubles were a result of voicing my political opinions and some were as a result of my internal issues.
PTSD is a constant struggle and one I’m not sure I’m winning. Actually, yesterday convinced me I’m not winning (NFI). I have a daily choice I make: sleep well but medicated beyond recognition or remain “coherent” and suffer through a night of hell. Often, I choose the night of hell because if I take my medication when I’m supposed to, I’m too tired to speak with my family (althought I always seem to feel too tired to speak on the phone). I get up so early in the morning that I need to take my pills between 8 and 9pm my time or I won’t wake up on time. But, if I take them that early, I’m too tired to really speak with my family who is an hour behind me. It’s a constant struggle.
Okay, I’m not going to ramble here. The point is that I appreciate those who have taken an interest in helping me, especially over the past couple of days. You know who you are. Please listen to this song.
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Anatomy of a Military Dating Scam
to Anonn, thank you. i thought so. i just want a clear picture of his
Military Dating Scams (More Nigerian Scammers)
New Scam to be aware of……….I am 2LT. Anderson Darrell Clinton , an off
Anatomy of a Military Dating Scam
New Scam to be aware of……….I am 2LT. Anderson Darrell Clinton , an off
[UPDATE] The "Face" of Military Dating Scams - The Wall of Shame
New Scam to be aware of……….I am 2LT. Anderson Darrell Clinton , an off
Kanani
Blessings, C.J.
You’re in my thoughts a lot. Last year when you wrote that piece, I thought it was one of the most gripping and courageous accounts I’d ever read.
I still think it is. I know you’ve been through some very difficult times, and most times I’ve only been able to watch, hoping you find your way back to a safer shore.
If you ever want to talk about yoga and yoga nidra for anxiety reduction and sleep issues –I’m here.
My best to your wife and family. They need you to win as well.
Emily
I just want to put a public note out there, as well, not as a thank you, but an honest truth.
The 902nd MI group at Fort Meade did nothing to support, aid, or help a troop that came out as a way to help himself and others. The local garrison command at Redstone Arsenal did the same thing. The only support he got, besides medical, was the local Company at his arsenal level.
So, not to set the getting help process back, but it’s definitely not true what higher ups say that it won’t hurt your career. It has, and Cj and i both know it. I, too, am sorry that he ever took his story public as a means of others trying to ‘control’ him, and me.
This is just to let others beware of what did happen to his career by being too open about it. If you need help, or know someone else that does, please tell them to go the medical route and not the chain of command route.
Emily
That sounded wrong..i DO also want to thank the friends the last few days. The previous comment meant only to reflect what happened to his career once he talked openly about it.
GruntforLife
This is an endurance test and you can outlast the bad days. I went years reflecting internally on events from past combat ops, failing to recognize the obvious – that something was bothering me and as a result, my entire life was being affected in some way. I have hypervigilance – the kind that comes from prolonged periods of being scared shitless in firefights, pitched battles or having to endure being shelled or mortared for hours at a time, knowing that there’s no way I’d live to see the sun rise. You get the picture.
I finally realized that I was letting this control my life and I decided to take action. For me, and I suggest you give it a try – just being with others who are happy and engaging in normal conversation seems to lift my mood to match the happiness around me. I’m not a doctor, but I think there’s merit in getting the natural “happy chemicals” flowing in your brain and talking with others about normal things seems to spark this.
I also know that during the “dark moods” I usually find myself alone and really feel like being alone. I realize that being alone during these times only prolongs the bad times, so now I get on the phone and talk to friends I haven’t talked to in a while – visit friends – go to the mall, etc.
I hope this helps.
From one who’s “been there – still doing that”
Semper Fi
John Dusbabek
I don’t think I can think of worse censure for a leader than those he or she leads saying “If you need help, whatever you do– don’t go to him.”
AFSister
CJ and Emily-
Hearing and “watching” what has happened to you both over the past year has been extremely difficult. I just HATE the way the Army has treated you. It’s just not right. We all love and support you, and you know that… but it’s not just our support you need; you need the Army’s support too, and it’s just not there. The whole thing stinks. I wish it wasn’t like this.
CJ
I’ve never said this about an entire unit, because I’ve always been a firm believer that leadership is what makes a unit bad. However, there is something about the 902nd MI Group that MAKES leaders bad. They are so self-absorbed and institutionalized that they can’t see their nose for their face.
All I did in that unit was fight and fight and fight for my Soldiers. Senior NCOs in that unit put up every roadblock possible when trying to take care of them. I was told more than once that something couldn’t be done when I was able to make it happen.
I was assured that the “command referral” way through getting help was for my own benefit because it made sure I got the help I needed. Then I never heard from anyone in my command until I mentioned a few months later on my blog that I hadn’t gotten ONE call from them. The same goes for that bogus – and what I think was a completely shoddy and incompetent – IG investigation. It was about image, not seeing it for what it was.
The Redstone Arsenal Garrison is another “eat your own” organization. There are a LOT of good troops at the Garrison, but they’re stifled with poor leadership that cares more about its public image than taking care of troops. No one bothered to take the time to realize that I was hanging by a thread there (except for the ONE person in Garrison that actually talked to me like a human being, but I’ll protect his identity. If he’s reading this, he knows who he is.).
I’ve heard so many stories about both those units and experienced them first hand. Even senior people and civilians were warning me about Redstone Arsenal Garrison when I got there. Same with 902nd. They should change their names to the Blue Falcons, but that would dishonor the REAL Blue Falcons.
With that said, I LOVED my company. My commander and I had a good command team and the troops that worked under us were bar none some of the best I had the pleasure to work with. I would take a bullet for just about every one of them. Unfortunately, they are unable to meet their full potential because of the politics inherent in both organizations.
Vince
Hope everything is going better & music is therapeutic…
Rina Rodriguez
Hey CJ, I know things may get rough and may not go in the direction planned. My husband was medically retired after 7 1/2 years for PTSD and residuals of his TBI. He has been out for over a year and still has a hard time dealing with his diagnosis. It has been a long and difficult road. It is amazing that we has a couple have made it, especially seeing all the families torn apart by PTSD. But, all you can do is take it one day at a time, and the rest will fall in place. I don’t mind telling my husband’s story and to offer help to anyone who may be in the same situation. Sometimes it takes others who are experiencing the same things to set you in the right direction and to give support…
streetsweeper
CJ! Heard somebody called for old school MP’s so we’ve arrived!
Whats up lil bro?
Was at Hood yesterday, I thought about raiding yer hooch ya know? but…Figured Mrs C.J. might shoot muh tail, LOL!
Old cav cop’s! Ya either love ‘em or leave ‘em, right? Hooah!
garryowen, CJ!
*salute*
CJ
Well, dude, ya shoulda come by! The missus won’t be here until July.
Jaclyn
CJ,
I just stumbled across your website today after reading an article on a local news station in Nashville about the scammers. As I have scanned over many of your posts I feel and believe in a lot of your opinions.
As a Soldier’s Angel I cant thank you enough for everything you have done for our country!
I am from a very long line of military men and one woman
in my family and I cant even fathom the things you see on a daily basis while at war. My grandfather had nightmares up until his death early last year and he served in WWII. I am so sorry for the way that the Army has treated you but please never regret making PTSD known! I am sure that there are many men and women that are very grateful for you speaking out about it.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope that one day soon you may have a night of rest without the meds or terrors!
My sincere thanks to you,
Jaclyn
Nashville, TN