In the summer of 2004, after our troops had been prematurely pulled from Fallujah while trying to pacify the restive city, I realized that the real story wasn’t getting out there about what our troops go through. I also realized that I needed an outlet to discuss my combat experiences. At the time, I had never heard of PTSD. All I knew was that I had been back almost a year from Iraq and something didn’t feel right. At the time, it was a sign of weakness for a leader to mention that his head didn’t feel screwed on right. I was still wrestling with the loss of my buddies and the things I had done as a combat Soldier. Nothing immoral or illegal, just acts and images of real war.

So, I started a blog called Chcknhawk’s Harem on Blogspot and began writing my problems away through humor. It was a way to deal with the demons without necessarily admitting that I was engaged in a mental battle with myself. A battle that would take me an additional five years to seek help for. Through ups and downs, I tried to find ways of pushing the images and thoughts from my head. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.

In December 2004, I made the leap to purchase my own URL and move the blog to it’s own place on the World Wide Web. Things were actually going quite well for many years. My writings here had garnered me some accolades in the form of loyal readers, a bunch of “best blog” nominations in various contests, and even a few titles as THE best. I had even been invited to the White House under two presidents. I met a lot of great people with whom I consider good friends. But, it was never about all that. It was about talking about things from “A Soldier’s Perspective.” It was about getting the thoughts out of my head, regardless of the topic – and they ranged from picking up pennies in parking lots to Nigerian scammers to military issues and political matters.

In 2009, I took up LTG Chiarelli’s challenge to remove the stigma of PTSD within the military and convince troops that it’s okay to seek help. I led from the front and went public at the end of June 2009 after an interview with Chiarelli himself…and I don’t think I could’ve made a bigger mistake.

Don’t get me wrong, Soldiers SHOULD seek medical attention and deal with PTSD. Absolutely and without question. And, for what it’s worth, the best place to start is Vets4Vets. However, they should do so privately and tell the fewest people possible. Why? Because, while the military somewhat gets it, the civilian sector is completely clueless. The media has done a dynamite job of stigmatizing troops with PTSD as murderous, unhinged, dangerous people. As such, most people have a skewed idea of what PTSD is. Every time a Soldier diagnosed with PTSD gets angry, the reason he’s angry isn’t because he’s responding to something frustrating, stupid, or otherwise a normal cause for such a response in anyone else; he’s angry because he has PTSD.

Case in point is my fight with the Huntsville City Schools. Instead of dealing with the issue at hand – school uniforms – school officials tried to use my PTSD against me and level utterly false and deflecting accusations against me. Others have used those false accusations in their own attacks against me. Even though I was actually the reserved and calm one compared to some parents frustrated over the same issue, I was the bad guy. School officials sought to use the military to shut me up and the military was quick to side with the squeaky wheels from the peanut gallery. I was investigated – and cleared – by CID of any and all wrong-doing. Because of their actions, I filed a successful lawsuit against the school system which caused introspection among officials that would not have otherwise been done. I ended up selling the ASP name to raise the money to wage it. There’s nothing like staring down the barrel of a $2 million lawsuit to make you rethink things. When the school board voted to discontinue the contract of the Superintendent, one of my demands, I decided that enough was enough. After spending a great deal of money defending myself – successfully – I pulled the lawsuit. No need to unfairly distract a school from educating children when they’re at least moving in the right direction.

Unfortunately, this issue became so well publicized that it gave my critics ideas. We’ve lost the art of debate in this country. Instead of debating issues to success or failure, the modus operandi these days is to play dirty and attempt to affect ones career. Weak minded people can’t debate the merits of their argument, especially when their argument is based on lies and misrepresentations, so they simply try to silence the opposition.

Even though I don’t write this blog as an official mouthpiece of any branch of service, people that disagree with me try to make it seem that way. Soldiers with differing opinions are to be silenced and shut down. Never mind that they fight and serve to protect the freedoms and liberties granted in the very document they swear an oath to, they are not entitled to an opinion. And, conversely, those that agree with particular views of a Soldier don’t think anyone should question them. Both are wrong. Objectivity is a thing of the past when dealing with military issues. I’ve never been afraid to chastise Soldiers and leaders in the wrong just as I’ve never hesitated to boast of their achievements!

I always made it a point to never write about what unit I am in. I sometimes write about past units, but I have NEVER mentioned a particular unit by name whenever I felt the need to criticize. Even my previous unit, which was by far the worst unit in the United States Army I’ve ever been assigned to (so far), I will not identify it by name. I don’t ever talk about my current unit, whether for good news stories or bad, because I want to protect my fellow troops (see previous paragraphs). Someone having issues with me could easily take it out on my fellow troops, so I attempt to isolate them. Plus, it’s good OPSEC. Honestly, no one needs to know what unit I’m in.

However, certain people have taken it upon themselves to publish my unit as well as contact numbers to it. Leaders within my command have been contacted by people not even in the same state (or country). Because of this, I feel that I have become a liability to my command and can no longer write. I cannot, in good conscience, continue to blog wondering if it will put my brothers and sisters in danger. I no longer have the partial anonymity that Soldiers should enjoy as bloggers. Certain people have taken it upon themselves to endanger the lives of troops preparing to deploy to a combat zone from which they stand a chance of not returning. I won’t have any part of that.

So, after about seven good years, I’m leaving ASP in the hands of the authors that remain and I reiterate something I said in 2009 to the Army Times when I was interviewed about my hiatus from blogging then: “it’s not worth it.” The lives of my fellow troops is too important to me. And the way that PTSD has been attacked and denigrated by my opponents sickens me. I can’t go on and risk some Soldier on the brink of a decision to seek help or not seeing what I’m going through and walk away without seeking that help.

I have recommended a few names to MilitaryGear.com that now owns ASP as to some possible replacements. I’ve also told those replacements that it would be in their best interests NOT to use their real names. By using their real names, they run the risk of some zealot finding out who they are and contacting their unit to get them in trouble – or at least to silence them. The decision on whom they want to bring on to write is completely up to them, though they may ask my opinions from time to time.

Let me be clear about something: I HAVE NOT BEEN ORDERED TO STOP WRITING! My command has made it clear when talking to me about the calls and emails they’ve gotten that I have every right to blog and be an independent person (within regulations, of course). I am ceasing because my command has better things to do than call me in their office to complain about someone lying to them about me. I’m sure that those people will feel that they’ve won in their fights to silence me. I’m not stopping because of them either. I’m stopping because I love my fellow troops much more than I love fighting with idiots and morons.

Finally, I’m stopping because my family can’t handle the stress this places on them. They can’t stand to see people who have absolutely no idea what kind of a person I am trash my character without warrant. They can’t stand to see what has been a fantastic and successful career get reduced to conjecture and insinuated dishonor. My conscience is clear. I have nothing to hide. If I have a fault, it’s that I’m too honest and have no problem speaking my mind. I can defend every decision I’ve made. There’s a reason that none of these “complaints” against me have resulted in any negative action professionally.

Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage.

Those are more than just words to me. I have no regrets. Anyone can ask for proof of things I’ve allegedly done or said. But, I have a country to serve. That service is more important to me than any blog or following.

I appreciate all the support and I hope you’ll continue to follow ASP. We have some really good writers here and the new ones will be just as good. Hooah!